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Humor Archives - All The Single Girlfriends

Lessons on Life from Sir Noel Coward...

Jul 2, 2012 by

Lessons on Life from Sir Noel Coward

You ever know when a good quote will come in handy. I was asked to appear on the local Fox News channel last week to respond to a newly published study showing that loneliness can be fatal to seniors. The study confirms what many people in the aging field know: loneliness is bad for your health and people who feel isolated are at high risk for a range of unhealthy results, death being the ultimate bad result. I am not sure how the host of the show found my organization, but I assume he did a quick search of the word Aging and found us. (My unofficial ‘mission’ is that whenever anybody puts the word ‘Creative’ in front of the word ‘Aging’, they think of us: Northwest Center for Creative Aging.  So whatever the...

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And Now A Word From The Fashion Police …...

Apr 2, 2012 by

And Now A Word From The Fashion Police …

Spring has come early to Boston! Actually it was more like summer last week with temperatures above 80. With this gift from Mother Nature came the flip side of a warm day…fashion faux pas everywhere I looked. I am by no means a style expert, some of my favorite outfits are too old to even admit! No one has ever mistaken me for a fashion expert BUT some things must obviously be pointed out because it seems many people this week went out without the benefit of common sense…or a mirror! For  Girlfriends … Just because the belly shirt is your size doesn’t mean everyone should wear one. If your belly sticks out further than your breasts…cover it up! If your belly covers your waistband when you stand up( or for that matter if you’re seated)...

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No, I Don’t Want A Salad

Jan 13, 2012 by

No, I Don’t Want A Salad

“We’ll be having prime rib; if you don’t want to eat that, there’ll be salad and stuff…since there’ll only be two of you who don’t eat meat.” – a friend inviting me to a New Year’s feast. Oh! Boy! I could hardly wait to go feast on “salad and stuff.” This week’s lead article in the NYT dining section was Meatless in the Midwest: A Tale of Survival. It’s the story of an NYT reporter who moved to Kansas City, Mo and is a hard-core vegetarian (I’m not). However, I can really relate to her being told by a waitress – after working the way through menu options (made with lard, made with chicken stock, etc.) – “You want a salad.”  Well, no she really didn’t. But that’s what she got, and iceberg.  Sigh....

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White Trash ‘Toonis

Oct 7, 2011 by

White Trash ‘Toonis

Recently a friend was coming over for Friday martinis. (Everyone knows they can invite themselves over pretty much any Friday. There will be ‘toonis.) I decided to do something a little different so I got out my smaller Kerr jars and made individual drinks. Fun to look at; easy to make. You simply pour vodka over ice (and if you simply must, add a drop or three of dry vermouth). Screw on the lid, shake vigorously. Then, keep in freezer until company arrives. To serve, thread a fresh cherry tomato, a pickled okra pod and a pickled green tomato on a cocktail pick. Wrap a paper towel around the base of the jar with a rubber band, for that extra special touch. On the side, you can offer pimento cheese on saltines (Hey, if...

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Stilettos at Sixty

Sep 5, 2011 by

Stilettos at Sixty

For many, turning sixty means crossing something lofty off their bucket list.  Maybe they attempt an athletic achievement, or take a vacation at a far-flung destination, or revisit their childhood neighborhood. I did none of that on my birthday. First, I don’t have a bucket list. It would just depress me. But besides that, I did something much more pedestrian for my sixtieth – I decided to start wearing high heels. When I turned 35, I became an enthusiast of Erno Lazlo products, spending my mornings and evenings religiously splash, splash, splashing to protect my skin. At 45, I invested in a personal trainer, committed to having a better body than I had at 35.That program unfortunately ended with a ruptured disc and a week flat on my back. For my 50th, I forgot...

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Acting Like a Grown-Up

Aug 31, 2011 by

Acting Like a Grown-Up

Some believe this means being boring. Staid. No fun. All responsibility and no spontaneity. Au Contraire.  Of course this is just my perspective, but… Being a (single) grown-up means: You can decide when it’s time to act silly…and enjoy doing so…without worrying about what others think. You can designate one day a week as the “blob day.”  Mine is Sunday.  With a few rare exceptions, I do absolutely nothing that I don’t absolutely want to do.  Oddly enough, some Sundays are my most productive days… You can choose to have cold cereal for dinner, and enjoy it. (Some nights this is JUST the thing for me. No sad little single moaning here.  I love Weetabix, with very, very cold milk.) You’ve learned that kindness is both a virtue AND a skill. A skill that...

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The “Thing Thing” (Clean your cabinets!)...

Aug 1, 2011 by

The “Thing Thing” (Clean your cabinets!)

I recently moved my mom, aka “The Momster” to Albuquerque.  As such things go, I couldn’t move most of her material possessions. Too much stuff. Too little time.  Too many and higher priorities. And, as I spent hours digging through drawers, closets and cabinets…much of it appeared to not have been touched, much less used in years, if not decades. ALL of it coated in multiple layers of deep, deep brown nicotine (Hey, wasn’t this white when I sent it as an Xmas present? Ack. Ack.)  So, what the hell to move??? –  especially given Mom’s directive to “do the best you can.” Still, I tried…digging out old family jewelry…sifting through piles of paper… trying to get the things that would really (I thought) mean something to the Momster.  All while breathing in decades...

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Yes, It CAN (Will?) Happen to You...

May 13, 2011 by

Yes, It CAN (Will?) Happen to You

Sure, we’re all fun and fab and over 40 (or 50, or 60).  But, age isn’t just a number.  It’s a reality, and our bodies have their own agenda, even with the best of care. As difficult as it may be for independent women, we also have to realize we need help on occasion, especially as we get “old old.” We don’t think “that” will ever happen to us – falls, dementia, fading sight, just plain old age – but if we live long enough it will, in some form or fashion. Even Betty White moves slower than she used to…and I’ve been told bladder control is one of the first things to go.  (Here’s an idea –  thong Depends in designer colors!) Are you still reading? Or have I totally bummed you out? ...

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Five Reasons I Don’t Date

Apr 25, 2011 by

Five Reasons I Don’t Date

(No, Not Because There Aren’t Any Men) Sure, as I get older, the available pool of men gets smaller.  But, even if they’re available – would I want them?  Would they want me?  By this time, we’ve all got lives and baggage; it’s difficult to make a space for someone else.  Many men wouldn’t be interested in me, for reasons you can infer from the following five reasons I don’t date. 1.  That Deadly “Story Of My Life” First Date.  Hey, I love me; I’m my very favorite person.  I can navel gaze with the best of ‘em.  But after – oh – 25 years or so I’m sick of talking about my hometown, what my parents did, where I went to college, my favorite authors, my hobbies, etc. etc.  Why not just hand him a...

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Flea Markets Are Like Dating, or Maybe Not...

Apr 14, 2011 by

Flea Markets Are Like Dating, or Maybe Not

I enjoy flea markets. I love fleaing.  Ur, no, no – not fleeing. We’re not talking about dating when you’re 50+ today.  Or, maybe we are.  The quality rankings of fleaing could apply to dating.  But then we humans can make pretty much anything (Hey! Quantum physics!) apply to our mating rituals.  But I digress.  ANYHOO… I can spend hours and hours marveling that someone somewhere actually bought the turquoise/burnt orange/rusted/broken gizmoy thingie in the first place.  What the hell is it anyway; good lord is that really three zeros on the price tag!? WHAT is the dealer smoking? Now, that I’d buy – must be really good shit, man. For those of you who may be new to the fine art of fleaing, here are some basics: Fundamental law that applies to all...

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Cotton Candy and Circus Peanuts...

Apr 11, 2011 by

Cotton Candy and Circus Peanuts

Over the years I have dated a bit and learned some valuable things about men that I sometimes feel compelled to share with other women who may not have connected the dots about certain man-things. I also occasionally share these pearls of wisdom with men so that they might be able to recognize certain aspects of their own personalities and adjust.  They rarely adjust, but it makes me feel better to think that I tried. One of the things that I’ve learned about men is that if they are awake, they feel their significant other should also be awake.  If they are sleeping, their significant other should also be sleeping. I don’t normally like to generalize, but I don’t feel that this is a generalization.  It’s a fact.  Something I have concluded after many...

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Oh Be SERIOUS Mary!

Apr 6, 2011 by

Oh Be SERIOUS Mary!

Humor is also a way of saying something serious. – T. S. Eliot I love to laugh; I love to make others laugh.  However, this sometimes gets me into trouble, since I can be perceived as “not taking ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ is) seriously. But, at the age of 50+, I’ve been around the block, run with wolves, swam with sharks…and all the rest of the hoary lines about making your way in this big, bad world.  I’ve seen Masters of the Universe and Big Dogs with their pants around their ankles, both literally and figuratively. I know what’s it like to be stranded by the side of the road with nobody to call and no money (That’s a [funny] story I’ll tell some other time).   I’ve been broke, but never poor.  Through it all...

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