Baby, baby, baby oh!!!
You may be cute, but....
On our inaugral podcast someone brought up the question of children. I had to jump out of the conversation but managed to get in my two cents, “Kids, never wanted them, ever, ever , ever!” Why does eveyone think that if you are female, you are not fullfilled if you do not have children. Do they think it is not by choice?
Most of my single girlfriends that wanted children, have them. Either they were in a relationship which ended or they actively sought donor sperm and made a baby. If they were unable to conceive, they adopted. I also made an active decision (at about the age of 10) to never have children. I used to say, in response to my mother’s “I can’t wait until you have your own children!” “Not me, don’t like kids, don’t want kids, not even sure I like me because I am a kid!” I had a really smart mouth on me, even then.
Needless to say, I do not feel unfulfilled as a woman because I did not have children. Which brings me to the cutie in this post– my grand-nephew. I’m his Grantie D and I’m loving it. Of course, he lives in California and I live in Maryland. I enjoy watching his antics via Skype, but I’m so happy he’s my nephew’s child, as I was happy that my nephew was my sister’s son. I fancy myself as Auntie Mame (one of the great films)…traveling to exotic places and meeting interesting people and bringing all that to my nephews much to the chagrin of their parents.
I do wonder if the choice not to have children came out of a desire to never grow-up. I’ve been asked if not having children makes me worry about growing old and being alone. Not having children does not mean I am alone, I’ve got family and friends. It’s the choice I made as a younger woman not to have children that has allowed me to live the life I wanted. So what about you…children or not? What choices did you make?
About the Author
Debra Pearlman Has Written 23 Articles For Us!
I own my production company, Peal Productions LLC. I now make my living as a documentary filmmaker who specializes in natural history and wildlife. I get to travel and experience amazing things, but I also know how hard it is to be a woman of a certain age, trying to make a living. I expanded my production company to include work in digital media, social media, and website design. This combines my photography/graphic arts/environmental science degrees and keeps me employed.
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Oh boy… I was never gonna have kids, either. I babysat a LOT and I really did not like children. Then…I had one. And, I didn’t want her to be an only child so I had another. And my husband wanted a boy so I had another. And, if I couda, I would have had a fourth. But, we stopped at three. However, I so value women who decide not to have kids – you should never, never have kids just because you’re a girl or your mother wants you to have kids. My oldest has one child, my granddaughter, Miah, and does not want any more kids. I’m sad about that but…it’s her choice! My second daughter just had granddaughter number 2 and I love Frankie to pieces, but whether or not her Mom has another is not my decision!
Women need to stand up and be proud, like you, Deb, that they made a choice and stuck with it. Congrats on knowing how you feel and what you want. You rock!
Yvonne, Thanks for your kind words. I get what you mean about not wanting kids, then having kids and really loving being a mom. I’ve friends that were devout “DINKS” (remember them, double income, no kids) and then the birth control failed and oops…and now they cannot imagine live without their child. And you know what, those are the friends who never let having a child overshadow their friendships and relationships with single/childless women, and I include a number of male friends in this category too.
I will tell you that I split from the two loves of my life, each a man I felt I could grow old with, when I realized that he did not believe me when I said I did not want children and he wanted to start talking about kids. So support from my girlfriends is so great to have.
Serena – yes, being a Grand is great. I’m thinking shared art studios in the retirement home one day…never stop making art!
I’m with you, Debra! Ever since I was very young, I knew I’d never have kids. Not because I don’t like them (I’m great with kids…..not wild about babies, though), but because I always knew I’d be doing something different with my life. Even now, at age 53, I have no regrets. I always said, I don’t want to be a mom, but I’d love to be a grandmother some day, just like you and your grand-nephew. – SerenaK
About choosing to have no children, me too! I never wanted children, never had them, and have resented being measured by that yardstick for years. And why do men, single fathers especially, think women should pick up where their children’s mothers left off?! That doesn’t mean I haven’t nurtured others’ children, even helped raise two stepchildren. I LOVE, and excel at, nurturing my pets. I just never had the overwhelming need to procreate or adopt human children of my own and so shouldn’t have. It had nothing to do with being selfish or self centered, quite the contrary, actually. When I was in 7th grade, I remember my earth science teacher explaining that, if the human population was to keep increasing at it’s then-current rate, the earth would be in pretty dire shape by, oh, now! And here we are. I joined Zero Population Growth as a teenager. I’ve always tried to stay out of denial about global population growth and the consequences thereof. Too, although my mother did the best she was able with the parenting example her mother provided her, I recognized early on that I didn’t receive the best modeling from my mother, either. I’ve watched how my brothers and sisters have struggled with their childrens’ dysfunctions, bewildered at their inability to alter the course of their family’s ‘genograms’ despite their efforts.
So, bravo for women allowing ourselves this most human of choices. For a whole host of reasons, not every woman is desirous, equipped, or should be expected to have her own children.
And, “Namaste” to those that choose to be parents!
Teresa – thanks for the great comment. I believe there are more of us out there then people think. Check out Sunny’s blog post “Unapologetically Single At 40”