Is Marriage Passe’ ?
Married .. Check .. That's Done.
“When are you guys finally getting married?”
That’s a favorite opening line for family and friends, lately. Tom, my significant other, and I have been together a long time now. We became engaged shortly after meeting – both of us were very sure of the relationship and having the ‘ring’ to prove we were serious, just seemed natural.
Over time, folks began to give us that squinty-eyed look that said they were suspicious of this living together thing – without the benefit of ‘marriage’ (you know who you are!) The squintiest looks (no, that’s not a word, I made it up) come from folks over 50. They’re of a certain age, they grew up in the previous century and are sure that living together isn’t merely sinful, it’s wrong.
Sinful, you understand, is more than wrong – it’s punishable by burning in hell or by being forced to take your six-year-old nieces to Chuckee Cheese parties on a weekly basis for the rest of your life. Wrong is a human construct that holier than thou people police. They keep track of all the wrong in the world in a loose-leaf notebook, where they check off misdeeds with a blunt-nosed #2 lead pencil. After a certain number of checks next to your name or your misdeed, you move into the sinful column.
Folks younger than 50 seem to think we should get married just to have a party. I get questions about where we would have the wedding, if we were inclined to have a wedding (with suggestions on which party house is best). When would it be (summer is best, so we can all be outdoors)? Who would be in it (this one, that one, and the other one, but no…not her!)? And, would there be an open bar? Ah, now we get to the nitty-gritty, don’t we?
There is a growing thought in this country that marriage is outdated. The stats say one in three marriages end in divorce. Who expects a man and a woman to stay together for an entire lifetime, anymore? Seriously – 50 or 60 years is a lot of socks left on the bathroom floor and toothpaste without a cap lying on the bathroom sink and late nights fighting over who’s going to let the dog out in the middle of the night in January during a blizzard or grabbing for the remote when the other person goes to the bathroom . (Why don’t men just give the remote up – women know what’s on TV next, what was on yesterday, and what’s coming on tomorrow…other than sports and ‘what not to eat’ kinds of shows… give us the remote; we promise not to watch Oprah all the time!) Debate: Marriage is outdated
According to Tracy McMillan of the Huffington Post, there are specific reasons women who want to be married are not married. They are:
1. You’re a bitch. (she said it, I didn’t… well, are you?)
2. You’re shallow. (you want more than you can get – like, a man with a job, or a man who cooks once in awhile, I don’t know)
3. You’re a slut. (seems to me we all have different definitions of this ‘slut’ thing – it’s okay for sitcom women – hahahahah, what a laugh!—but it’s certainly not okay for real women – even if they do like sex and men purport to want women who like sex; I’m so confused!)
4. You’re a liar. (you want marriage but you’re pretending you don’t cause the guy you’re with doesn’t want to marry you…whew! I had to stop and take a breath there – here’s the truth, every woman lies at some point, but if you’re over 40 and still pretending, you need to drink more wine and write more blog posts here – we’ll set you straight)
5. You’re selfish. (full of me, me, me… which, personally, works for me. Took me a long time to get to the stage of life where I think about ME first! Damn it!)
6. You’re not good enough. (You think you’re not good enough… to get the right guy, presumably; my hope is that we ladies of All the Single Girlfriends don’t suffer from this foolishness – you and me and every other woman IS good enough – for the man she wants. I want Tom. I just don’t want Tom in a tux, right now!)
Now, back to MY situation and why Tom and I are not married. We’re not married because we haven’t been to the judge or church or hilltop or whatever it is that makes our ‘union’ legal and necessary. (Like Bill Cosby back in the day when folks would ask him, “WHY do you have 5 children?” To which he would answer, “Because we didn’t want 6.”)
We are married in every other sense. We are committed to each other. We love each other. We’re too old to have kids, so we have dogs. Our life together is just fine, thank you very much.
Is marriage passe’? I think so.
Maybe we’ll do it next year. Maybe not. In the end, it’s our damn business! Not yours.
Sorry…that was for all the folks who keep putting those checks in those notebooks. If I could get my hands on just one of those notebooks…
And, the folks who continue with the squinty-eyed stares – well, we’ll see you at the local undertakers… before you see us shelling out for an open-bar!
Graphic credit: Thinking About Conflict and Value
About the Author
Yvonne DiVita Has Written 12 Articles For Us!
Yvonne DiVita is the author of Dick*less Marketing: Smart Marketing to Women Online, the premier book on marketing to women online. As President of Windsor Media Enterprises, LLC specializing in Publishing 3.0 using print-on-demand, as well as business blog building and social media strategy, Yvonne is an active blogger starting with her women’s blog Lip-Sticking. Her latest book, A Little Book of Big Thoughts, is offered on her blog as an e-book and a print book. In the summer of 2009, she co-founded BlogPaws, an online pet community to support pet bloggers and pet lovers. BlogPaws has successfully held two social media conferences in 2010 and is diligently working on conference #3 for August of 2011.
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I am sooooo bringing this to my next family wedding/reunion! I will just highlight #1 or #2 or even #5 and pass it around to all of those who have the impertinence to remind me I’m not getting any younger and if I don’t hurry all the “good” men will be gone! That ship has sailed!!!!
Great answer, Yvonne! The answer, to most (all!) of the “none of your business, really” questions that people ask is, because, period.