Unapologetically Single At 40

Live a fulfilling life and you’re happy with yourself

Feb 13, 2011 by

There was an article I read about how annoying it is to be constantly harassed as to why one is still single.  I share that annoyance.  It even gets more annoying when people point out that you’re 40 AND still single.  As if being single at 40 is some dreadful contagious disease or a crime against humanity.

  1. I do not feel the urge to get married.  Yet.  Maybe, it’s too much Oprah watching.  But there is no siren’s call that is seducing me to the state of happy matrimony.

That is not to say, however, I do not dream of weddings.  I do.  In terms of a fabulous gown, an astounding cake and that exciting walk down a preferably loooong aisle.  The better to show off my gown, of course.  I’m not supermodel material so walking down that aisle is probably my only chance at giving Heidi Klum a run for her money.  The dream comes to an abrupt end as soon as I reach the altar.  I never even made it to my own reception and, to think, this wedding was only happening in my mind.  Imagine if it was happening in real life.  I would be the subject of a horrific global manhunt by one very pissed off jilted groom.

Well, of course, I want to be with a man for the rest of my life.  Duh.  It’s not like I’m an angry Amazon out to annihilate all men just because they’re men.  Nor am I a bitter spinster who got dumped several times and has now made it her mission in life to abhor all men.  I am certainly not a career-driven woman fixating on world domination.

I like men.  What woman doesn’t?  But I do not obsess about them.  I find that when you live a fulfilling life and you’re happy with yourself, you don’t feel the urge to go look for something that you’re not even missing.

It’s not like my standards have gone higher.  They’ve just…evolved.

Some criteria still remain frivolous.  Of course, I do not want to wake up beside Godzilla every morning.  And, please, no carpets of hair everywhere.  There is a reason why razors and waxing were invented.  Abs are good but the Terminator, no.  How would you feel waking up beside a chunk of steel everyday?  Exactly.

Other standards have matured with age.  In my teens, an intelligent conversation was the least of my priorities.  As long as he was cute, who cared about conversations?  Did you ever spend your teens by simply conversing with a cutie?  I should hope not.  Otherwise, you are one deprived child.  Infinitely wiser now, a man’s ability to carry an intelligent conversation along with a good measure of humor has become a must for me – especially with each application of Ben Gay on my aching joints.

No, I do not lack for dates.  But when one just came from an agonizing series of marketing presentations, being a sparkling date is not how you want to end your day.  I go to my meetings looking human.  3 hours later, I look like a hag.  And I’ve got 7 more hours to go.  So if you think that at the end of a grueling work day, I still have the energy to comb my hair, think again.  I’d prefer to just go home, get a massage and sleep.  Alone and serenely undisturbed.

A client once told me that men like intelligent women, just not my kind of intelligent.  I don’t know what he means by that but, on my bad hair days, I Google for lobotomy.

People say that, at 40, you should be with someone already.  Is that in the Constitution?  Or the 10 Commandments?  Did I sign up for an Olympic event in my sleep?  Did the UN Security Council pass this resolution?  Whose brilliant idea was this?

What you should be at 40 is happy with yourself.  Or, at least, getting there already.  What you should not be at this age is downright miserable because you’re still trying to please everyone except yourself.  What you should not be at 40 is continuing to have this inexplicable urge to gain someone’s approval for the way you’ve chosen to live your life.

Most of all, at 40, you should not be apologizing for your life.  Thus it is that I turned 40 without any apologies.

Graphic credit: cafepress.com

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  1. Many years ago (at age 26) I succumbed to the pressure of “when are you going to get married?” before I had the chance to get to know myself better. I always preferred the option of “live next door and date”, but I threw that out the window when I said, “I do”. The marriage lasted 4 short years and we parted as friends, but I learned my lesson. Thankfully I didn’t cave in to the pressure of having kids.

    So now I am once again blissfully single and listening to my inner self, rather than to what everyone thinks I should do. Bravo, Sunny for sticking to your convictions and your own timetable for marriage (or not).
    – SerenaK

    • Thanks, Serena. There was a period, though, that I really thought I was going to marry this guy. But, eventually, I realized I only wanted to get married because everyone else was doing it. I didn’t want to get married for the wrong reason so it turned out to be a good thing that he and I didn’t end up together. After we split up, that’s when I discovered how dysfunctional he was. Kept stalking me. I thank God that He didn’t allow us to get married.

  2. Wat I wrote 4 #atsgf, "Unapologetically Single At 40" – http://ow.ly/3XeHI. Yes, I’m already in my 40’s. Now, shut up & read. 🙂

  3. The beauty of being in young old age – that is my mid 60s – is that I have become so invisilble that on one pushes advice on me, including how to find a man. That frees me up to get so much more done that when I was on the defensive. Shame om me but when younger I had no idea how to protect myself from traditional society.

    • Hi Jane! Thank you for your comment. Right now, I’m working on stopping myself from being so defensive about this issue. That way, when people ask me why I remain single, I don’t get all worked up because it ruins my day. Hehe.


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